Marathoning Matters

Top 10 Signs You Need a New Pair of Running Shoes

1. The dual-density flubber in the midsole has lost some of the reverberation in its "boing."
2. Your current pair were made on Bowerman's waffle iron.
3. The last resoling doesn't seem as cushy as the first two resolings were.
4. When you hit the wall at the marathon your bare toes hit first because they stick out of your shoes.
5. They've outlasted 3 Nike+ sensors.
6. The red LEDs on the side don't flash anymore when you run.
7. An MRI reveals that your shoes have stress fractures.
8. Your shoe odometer just rolled over and went back to zero.
9. When you turn them upside down and shake them, more toenails fall out than you have toes.
10. The shoeshine guy can't make them really shine anymore.

Personal Training My Wife: The Cardio Adaptation, Starvation, and Internet Research Effects

My wife Sylvia is getting serious about shaping up. She’s a bit past the point where the mirror and cholesterol levels tell her she needs to lose weight, but BMI says she can gain 8 pounds and still be healthy (another example of BMI being brain dead).

I think she looks great, but I offered to be Sylvia’s personal trainer. Given how much I know about running and weight’s impact on running performance I was an excelle … er ...  interesting choice. But at least I was well within her price range given my hourly rate of “free.” (If you can’t afford “free,” let’s discuss it and I’ll see what I can do.) When she accepted, I knew I had some research to do.

As a delaying tactic, I started Sylvia on regular runs and a Billy Blanks Advanced Taebo workout tape we bought for a quarter at a garage sale. I also set her up on www.livestrong.com’s free “Daily Plate,” a great calorie accounting package that works on a PC and an iPhone or iPod Touch. When calories burned exceed calories consumed by 3500 you’re supposed to lose a pound.  We’ll see.

As it happens, my first Google research took me deep into the mind-bending world of weight loss,  where I discovered the Cardio Adaptation Effect:

• Only do the minimum cardio that you need in order to lose weight. Otherwise your body will adapt, and what cardio you do today you will need to do tomorrow, just to maintain your weight.

The flip side of that disheartening coin is the Starvation Effect:

• When the human body experiences low calorie consumption, it becomes more efficient to prevent starvation.  Eat less and your body burns less.

Rather than telling Sylvia that my Internet research had just proven that cutting 3500 calories and running a marathon a week was just as likely to make her gain weight as to lose, I decided to continue researching until I found answers I liked better.  This is called the Internet Research Effect.

I knew Twitter was an excellent research tool for such things. A 140-character-or-less question you see a lot on Twitter is:

•  "Where do you find a personal trainer? Personal referrals? On GNC bulletin boards? Randomly at the gym?"

Driving by dimly lit street corners in the hood late at night? I’ve noticed that no one ever replies “I’m using my underemployed husband,” but I decide my sample must simply be too small.

When it comes to tweeting about their personal trainers on Twitter, people work various forms of pain into the 140 characters.

• "My personal trainer at gym today squeezed the blood out of me"

How in the world can I squeeze the blood out of Sylvia?  Is there some kind of Yoga position? Pilates technique?  I make a note to myself to do further research.

• "Yesterday I had my first session with my personal trainer, today I can barely walk. I guess that means he is pretty good.

Barely walk? I can do that! I’ll plaster of Paris her socks before the run. Sort of like how Dempsey took out Jess Willard.

• "aching all over. stupid personal trainer"

Aching all over? Stupid? Stupid I can do, but I can’t do ALL over.  How about just a major muscle group at a time?

• "really think my gym "boyfriend" aka trainer is trying to kill me....3rd workout way harder then first two...felt like tossing my cookies"

Right, try to kill her, I can do that! And if I can get her to toss her cookies I bet I can also have Sylvia throw out her crackers and the yogurt she dips them into.

• "Another near vomiting experience with the personal trainer this morning. Hoooyah." -- Andy Wang

Wait, was the cookies tweet about vomiting? Since when does an Eeeyoou become a Hooyah? I must do more research.

• "just got back from 1st meeting w/new personal trainer. she told me I have 40% body fat."

I noted that exaggeration was going to be an important tactic.

But apparently the use of simple techniques that always work isn’t enough. A quick scan of the Personal Fitness blogs taught me that you need a variety of amazing esoteric techniques:

6 Keys To Building Muscle
19 Push-up Variations
Is 'Platelet-Rich Plasma Therapy' the Real Deal?”
Lose 10 Pounds Just by Sleeping
You Need Just 7 Minutes Exercise a Week
Renee Zellweger Runs 3 Miles Daily. No Wonder she's Super Skinny!

Those last three were from Glamour.com’s online personal trainer. I figure that if I can combine the last two (Run 21 miles in Just 7 Minutes a Week!) I’ll really be onto something. Or if I can reduce the number of unbroken consecutive weeks you need to sleep without waking to lose 10 pounds ... wow, that's bound to be a winner.

Okay, I was getting an idea of the impact my workouts needed to have. And I was learning how they might achieve the necessary levels of pain while sounding effortless in my pitch.  “Don’t worry Sylv.  It’s only 3 miles at 14,000 feet with an 80 pound backpack. We call it ‘Hiaerobics.’”

But what about me?  How do I play the part convincingly? More Twitter research cleared that up.

• "I use to be a fitness coach and personal trainer for gyms but now I am a full-time Beach Body Coach & Xango advocate."

Clearly I was going to need a better title than Personal Trainer to differentiate myself. SkinnyJeans! Nope, taken. DropAndDoTenForMe! Nope, taken. I'd have to work on that. And I might have to look into a multi-level-marketing organizational structure and maybe even do commercials.

• "the personal trainer commercial looked like a blimp in an XXXXL polo shirt."

I can do that! Maybe even one better, since I manage to look like a blimp in a small polo shirt. There were lots of other marketing avenues open to me as well.

Your 12-Week Daily Video Trainer
Express Lane: A personal trainer takes you through 8 stations and tracks your progress
Max Muscle Mass In Minutes without Moving

I think we can do the same kind of things remotely once I get the foundations of the business in place.

But then I realize that the real advantage I offered Sylvia was the personal touch.  I could grab her hand as it guides a cracker dipped in yogurt towards her mouth and remind her to resist.  Gently urge her on as she runs. I see examples on Twitter of this personal touch working for celebrities.

• "Just interviewed Julie Imperiali. She's lovely, very gentle. Not how you'd imagine a personal trainer to a President to be."

On the other hand, maybe I should look for a personal trainer more like the one John McCain would hire:

• "Personal training is so new-age & feely. My 1st trainer was a Drill Instructor who called me maggot! Heading out now to my yuppie-pussy gym"

I’ll experiment, starting with a little gentle encouragement modeled after the Twitter advice I just found on how to be an effective Personal Trainer.

• "All you have to do is yell "HOW BAD DO YOU WANT IT?" and "GIVE ME TEN MORE."

Clearly, the main thing I need to do is be there for Sylvia.  To tell her “don’t eat that leftover mac and cheese, dear.”  Or “Run all the way up the steps. There are only five, babe.”

Fortunately, Sylvia has tempered expectations. A couple of years ago she won a “Personal Trainer for a Year” promotion at her gym. As part of the deal, they took a “Before” photo with Sylvia holding a medicine ball and looking a little bloated, her hair matted and her sweats soaked through.  She showed up a year later for the “After” photo looking just the same. The gym dropped the idea of a promotional follow-up poster, although I think it would have been a collector’s item.

How can I do worse than that?

On today’s run, Sylvia did 4 miles in 45:27. (Note to self: take picture of Sylvia after her next workout with her hair matted and sweats soaked through.)

Sign up for a feed if you want to see how we do all the way to Sylvia’s “After” photo.  I promised I won’t let her Photoshop it.

Training My Wife to Run and Myself to be Flexible

This is the first entry about my very personal foray into personal training. I’m training my wife.

Er, to run. Not to do anything else I say.

Actually, I expect even training Sylvia to run will be a challenge. Don’t get me wrong. I mean, she already knows how to run. She just doesn’t like it. It’s almost as if I have to train her to like something she’s allergic to, and repeated exposures seem to just make it worse. Not quite anaphylactic. Although sometimes, when she gets to the top of a hill …

Most of the issue is mine. While training Sylvia for a marathon would be a natural for me, I don’t quite know what to do about training someone for shorter distances where the goal doesn’t involve a PR (personal record). Since Sylvia just wants to lose weight and work on her cholesterol levels, my role is really more of motivation than instruction.

The situation is complicated by the fact that we’re on a strict budget after I was laid off and thus Sylvia doesn’t belong to a gym right now. Many of the alternate activities that she loves (classes in kick boxing, aerobic salsa dancing, aerobic anything really) are out. Also many of the classes I’d recommend that she just tolerates (spin class). The best activity available to burn calories, speed her metabolism, clear out mental cobwebs, and drive her HDL up and LDL down is running.

It’s not as bad as when I first took our dog out for runs. When Tyler realized we were out to trot a couple of miles (not for a leisurely walk to sniff things), he dropped to his belly and went slack. I dragged him a few feet before I realized my mistake. No such problem with Sylvia. She would never let me leash her.

The difference is that Tyler recognizes me as pack leader. I can exhort him to run. At best, I can cajole Sylvia. She responds to wheedling.

Another thing we’ve got going for us is that Sylvia is competitive. Not that she’s going to compete directly with someone who loves to run and has done it regularly for years. But she will try to beat her own time on the hilly 3.4 mile loop we run from our house. And I’ve even figured out that if I run ahead of her hard up a hill and down the other side, then turn around and head back up the hill to meet her, she does her best to beat me to the crest. It’s great. We both end up with hearts pounding 160 beats per minute.

The other thing I think I’ve figured out is that if I have some skin in the game too, she’ll push harder.

So we’ve set a goal for both of us. She is going to run a 10k with me in April. And I’m going to work on flexibility and my core. Fortunately, I have years left on a ridiculously cheap long-term gym membership, so I can do some yoga or Pilates or whatever it takes to get me to be able to move easily in any way other than straight forward at approximately 8 miles an hour. And yes, I'll also add some of the many core and flexibility exercises I can do at home.Mental and physical.

How bad is it going to be for Sylvia?

Honestly, she’s doing pretty well. She’s whittled her 42:30 hill loop time to 41:05 in a week. And she’s responding well to my attempts at motivation. And not only when it comes to running. Also to eating. She puts it back if I ask her if she really wants that handful of Cheetos or the macaroni and pesto our six year old didn’t finish. And I try to keep her focused on basics. No magic cleansing or miracle Kangen water. We'll add Fartleks later. Just keep track of what you eat and how much exercise you get. Decrease eating slightly while increasing exercise and you win.

How bad is it going to be for me?

Well, put it this way. If I’m about to begin slowly crossing a street diagonally while running, I have trouble turning my head far enough to see that the road is clear behind me for a hundred yards. I also anticipate difficulty in remaining patient while trying to teach Sylvia how to use a heart rate monitor or iPod and Nike+ all by herself.

I hope we’re both going to learn a bit about motivation and flexibility. Stay tuned and see.

Top 10 Reasons To Run 2009 LA Marathon On Memorial Day

10. Sponsor Honda offering 0 percent financing on $125 entry fee.
9. LA has never been hotter than 105 degrees that week in May.
8. Flags will already be at half-mast for heat stroke victims.
7. Route avoids distracting scenic landmarks that might slow your run.
6. Carbo-loading dinner features LA Dodger Dogs.
5. Beats Indianapolis 500 as best race to run on Memorial Day weekend.
4. Wouldn't miss it after paying hundreds of dollars in airline penalties to change flights twice.
3. Beats driving 26.2 miles in LA traffic.
2. Rich tradition of, uh, not paying top finishers on time.
1. Might be the last one.

Click here for background on the 2009 LA Marathon controversy.

And to give the Los Angeles Marathon LLC their due, they've made efforts to make the best of the date by moving the start earlier.  So I'm sure they know of the methodologies available for deciding to cancel a marathon should the day prove hot out of concern for the safety of non-elite runners, like this one used in Austin.

Top 10 Ways to Make a Living Being a Witty Writer Who Wears Sweats and Refreshes Twitter Page All Day

10. Get big round from VCs for startup with “pay per follow” business model.
9. Win the Tour de France seven times before getting Twitter account.
8. Tweet every affiliate discount code you can find with standard opening “I’ve wanted one of these for years!”
7. Perfect elusive 140 character “jokes about affiliate discount codes” bot.
6. Study The Bloggess carefully and tweet things like “I’m beginning to wonder why I even have minions in the first place.” Oh wait, she doesn’t make money either.
5. Buy the Guy Kawaski book in which he reveals the secret of how to do 20 tweets in the hour after you tweet that you’re off to play hockey.
4. Invent next generation social network in which you merely think 140 characters and telepathic interface makes it flash through follower’s minds.
3. Counterfeit a Harvard degree and hire yourself out as an online celebrity impersonator. To Britney?  Oh, never mind.
2. Hack Mr. Tweet, Twittertise and all the MommyTweeters.
1. Figure out how to get paid for writing “Top 10 Ways to Make a Living Being a Witty Writer who Wears Sweats and Refreshes Twitter Page All Day”